Whole Girl Read online

  The Everything Bagel

  “God, you’re so tall!”

  —Random stranger when I was four years old. And five.

  And six. And twelve. And seventeen.

  It’s true that I’ve towered over most other kids since kindergarten. But based on the way most adults talk to me, you’d think that height was the only part of me that matters.

  Nearly every interaction people have with a girl is focused on one subject: her appearance. You’re so cute! Your dress is so pretty! What a nice smile!

  We don’t get as many questions about our favorite books, or what we want to invent, or what our favorite song is. By a very young age, we already have the impression that our appearance is the most important aspect of who we are.

  To make matters worse, we are pummeled with TV shows, ads, billboards, and an entire culture focused intensely on the way females look. It’s no wonder we become hyperconscious of our appearance and spend a lot of time picking it apart.

  But we are not the way we look. We have a million parts that make up our whole selves—the dreams we have, the people we love, the things that light us up, the way we go about the world. To love all parts of ourselves, we need to break free from our culture’s crazy rules.

  Jameela Jamil has a great way to do that. She is an actress, writer, DJ, radio presenter, and activist who founded the “I Weigh” movement. I Weigh invites people to post photos of themselves on social media and describe all the aspects of themselves that they’re proud of—everything that truly defines who they are and has nothing to do with the way they look.

  Thousands of people have posted using #IWeigh. Here are some of the things they “weigh”:

  Empathetic

  Nerd

  Curious

  Evolving

  Silliness

  Dog lover

  Extrovert

  Insecure

  Fighter

  Spiritual

  Bookworm

  Quiet

  Now it’s your turn. To retrain the way you value yourself, do the I Weigh exercise. Make a list of things you appreciate about yourself that have nothing to do with your appearance. Here are some questions to get you started:

  What’s been your passion, ever since you were little?

  What relationships are meaningful to you?

  How do you treat others?

  What is your hidden talent?

  What are you most proud of?

  Now type out what you “weigh,” and place the words over a photo of yourself. You can share this I Weigh post with others or keep it to yourself. Either way, continue adding to your list whenever you think of something else you love about yourself. If you’re ever feeling insignificant or in need of a little loving, read over the list to remember how incredible you are.

  Exercising Love

  What is your biggest motivation for exercising?

  I talked with Maris Degener, a yoga teacher, anorexia survivor, and the subject of the documentary I Am Maris. She believes a lot of us go into a workout with the goal of diminishing ourselves. We think, I can burn calories, I can lose weight, I can make myself physically smaller. When we approach exercise in this way, it feels like punishment.

  But there is a different way to exercise, which is a form of self-love. Maris calls it the “abundance mindset.” This means that we work out in order to feel good, both physically and mentally. Maris suggests that we go into a workout thinking, What can this movement bring to me? What can it add to my experience and my well-being? Maybe exercise clears our mind, makes us feel calm, or challenges us to listen to our body.

  You might be thinking, Don’t we need to push ourselves hard to get better at anything? Sure. There’s nothing wrong with challenging ourselves, as long as our main goal in exercising is a loving one.

  The next time you are exercising, take a moment to check in with your motives. Why are you doing this? Is it punishment for being “lazy” over the weekend? Try shifting that to a positive: relieving your stress, or strengthening your muscles.

  Q&A

  Q: I get the concept of being kind to ourselves when we exercise. But what do I do if I’m in a fitness class and the instructor is being … uh … less than loving?

  A: If we’re in a group setting, like gym class or yoga, it can be extra hard to keep in the abundance mindset, because we feel pressure to do everything our instructor tells us. However, we can still exercise with self-love. Sometimes that means leaving the class.

  I was in a yoga class with a new teacher who was really negative and pushy. He started chastising me and repositioning my body into uncomfortable positions. I told him “That hurts” and “Please stop,” yet he continued repositioning my body. Finally I just got up and walked out of the studio. It was extremely awkward in front of the whole class, but it didn’t feel right to continue. I knew I had to leave.

  Some situations might not be physically dangerous but still make you feel bad about yourself or push you to override your body’s instincts. If that’s the case, it’s always okay to talk with the instructor and explain how you feel. You might decide to modify some of the exercises to help you feel better. Maris also points out that if we’re struggling to exercise in the abundance mindset, a group setting might not be the best option. Maybe we can better practice self-love by exercising with a video at home.

  MINDFUL MOVEMENT

  HEART OPENER

  This simple yoga pose opens up the area surrounding the heart. When we stretch, it helps release any tension or stress we’ve been holding. That way we can be available to give love to ourselves and others.

  1. Sit cross-legged on a comfortable surface. Breathe in, then out.

  2. On an inhale, arch your back beginning at your tailbone, all the way up to your chest. Open your shoulders to shine your heart forward. Lift your gaze slightly upward. Press the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth, to protect your neck.

  3. As you exhale, curl your spine back in, beginning at your tailbone and ending at your head. Separate your shoulder blades as your chest curves inward. Let your chin drop toward your chest.

  4. Repeat this cycle in line with your breath for as long as you’d like. Then switch the crossing of your legs and repeat on the other side.

  Lavender Rose Chocolate Truffles

  These truffles taste like pure love in food form. Their delicate flavors of lavender and rose are bound to make you feel special. They’re silky, smooth, and rich—a chocolate lover’s dream.

  YIELD: 16 TRUFFLES

  Ingredients

  ½ cup coconut cream, from the top of a chilled 13½-ounce can of full-fat coconut milk

  1½ cups dark chocolate chips or chopped dark chocolate*

  2 drops food-grade pure lavender oil

  ¼ cup cacao powder

  2 Tbsp dried rose petals, crushed

  Instructions

  1. Scoop the coconut cream into a double boiler (“Double Boiler DIY”). Heat the coconut cream until it’s hot to the touch, then pour in the chocolate. Turn the heat down to medium-low. Stir the chocolate and coconut cream together until the chocolate is fully melted and the mixture forms a shiny ganache.

  2. Remove the ganache from heat and stir in the lavender oil. Place the bowl of ganache in the refrigerator to chill for 2 hours, or until completely solid.

  3. Line a plate with parchment paper. Scoop the chocolate mixture into 16 pieces using a tablespoon, and place on the plate. Don’t worry about forming the pieces into spheres yet. Place the plate back in the refrigerator for 10 minutes to firm up.

  4. Pour the cacao powder and crushed rose petals into 2 small separate bowls. Roll the refrigerated chocolate blobs into balls, then roll them in either cacao powder, rose petals, or leave them plain. Serve.

  5. Store leftovers in an airtight container in the refrigerator for about 1 week, or freeze for up to 1 month.

  Defrost before serving.

  *To make this recipe sugar-free, use stevia-sweetened dark chocola
te.

  Mexican Wedding Cookies

  These cookies are buttery, crispy, and full of pecans. They have been a part of Mexican wedding festivities for a long time, so they’re a perfect symbol of love. I like to make them for family and friends around the holiday season, but they’re yummy any time of year.

  YIELD: 12 COOKIES

  Ingredients

  1¾ cups blanched almond flour

  ¼ cup arrowroot flour

  ¼ tsp sea salt

  6 Tbsp sustainable palm shortening

  3 Tbsp pure maple syrup*

  ½ cup toasted pecans, chopped into small pieces

  ½ cup organic powdered sugar**

  Instructions

  1. Preheat your oven to 350°F and line a cookie sheet with parchment paper.

  2. In a large bowl, whisk together the almond flour, arrowroot flour, and sea salt. Add the palm shortening, maple syrup, and toasted pecans. Stir using a rubber spatula until the mixture forms a dough.

  3. Scoop the dough into 12 balls using a 1½-tablespoon cookie scoop, and place them at least 1 inch apart on the prepared cookie sheet. Bake the cookies for 12 to 14 minutes, or until they are golden brown on top. Let the cookies cool for 10 minutes on the cookie sheet.

  4. Sift the powdered sugar into a small bowl to remove any lumps. Roll the cookies in the sugar one by one, coating all sides. When ready to serve, sift a bit more powdered sugar onto the cookies. These cookies are best eaten the day they’re made. Leftovers can be stored at room temperature on a plate lightly covered with tin foil for a up to 4 days, but they will lose their crunch over time.

  *To make this recipe sugar-free, replace the pure maple syrup with monk fruit maple-flavored syrup and use powdered monk fruit sweetener (see below).

  ** Powdered cane sugar (made with tapioca starch) is the whitest in color, but it’s not Paleo. For a Paleo option, use powdered maple sugar, which you can make by blending 1 cup maple sugar in your blender until powdery. For a sugar-free option, blend classic monk fruit sweetener into powder using your blender.

  Raspberry Mini Bundt Cakes

  These cakes are light and moist, with fresh raspberries and mild honey icing. Show someone in your life a little love and give them one of these delightful mini bundts.

  YIELD: 9 MINI BUNDT CAKES

  Ingredients

  CAKE

  ¾ cup fresh raspberries, chopped in half, if large

  ¾ cup + 1 Tbsp arrowroot flour, divided, plus more for dusting

  1¾ cups blanched almond flour

  3 Tbsp coconut flour

  1 tsp baking soda

  ¼ tsp sea salt

  5 large eggs

  ¾ cup pure maple syrup or honey

  ¼ cup coconut oil or sustainable palm shortening, melted, plus more for greasing

  3 Tbsp full-fat coconut milk (from one of the cans used in the icing)

  ⅓ cup fresh lemon juice

  ICING

  1 cup coconut cream, from the tops of 2 chilled 13½-ounce cans of full-fat coconut milk

  2 Tbsp honey

  Instructions

  1. Preheat your oven to 350°F. Grease a mini bundt pan (or muffin tin) with some coconut oil, and sprinkle lightly with arrowroot flour. In a small bowl, toss together the raspberries and 1 Tbsp arrowroot flour. Set aside.

  2. In a large bowl, whisk together the almond flour, remaining ¾ cup arrowroot flour, coconut flour, baking soda, and sea salt. In a separate large bowl, whisk together the eggs, maple syrup, coconut oil, coconut milk, and lemon juice. Stir the wet ingredients into the dry and mix using a rubber spatula just until combined.

  3. Let the batter sit for 10 minutes, to thicken. Gently fold in the arrowroot flour–coated raspberries. Pour ½ cup batter into each well of the mini bundt pan (since mine has 6 wells, I did 2 batches). Bake for 18 to 23 minutes, or until the bundts are golden brown and spring back when touched.

  4. Let the bundts cool for 25 minutes. Carefully run a toothpick around the outside and center hole of each, then release the cakes onto a cooling rack. Regrease and flour the bundt pan, then bake the remaining batter.

  5. Make the icing by combining the coconut cream and honey in a small saucepan over medium heat and bringing to a simmer. Let it simmer for 5 to 10 minutes, or until it becomes syrupy and thick. Remove from heat.

  6. Drizzle the icing over the bundt cakes and serve. Store bundts and icing separately in airtight containers in the refrigerator for up to 1 week.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Be Bossy

  The B-Word

  In second grade, I was working on a class project about the Amazon rain forest. I was excited because my group got to make a giant poster covered in trees, parrots, and jaguars. I was in the flow, sharing my ideas with the other kids on how we could make our poster even better.

  All of a sudden, one of the boys said, “Sadie, stop being so bossy.”

  I closed my mouth. This was the first time someone had called me that. I was embarrassed and confused. Was I being too assertive by being a leader of the project? Or by giving suggestions? I was proud of my knack for organizing groups and coming up with ideas. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. In fact, I thought people appreciated it. But now I was being insulted for that very habit. I stayed quiet for the rest of class.

  Over the years, classmates continued to call me bossy: a boy in fifth-grade history class, a girl in eighth-grade gym class, a boy in tenth-grade math class. Eventually I realized that they kept calling me bossy because I am bossy. It’s been in my nature since I was a baby. But it’s not something to be ashamed of—it can be a strength. It’s what makes me strong-willed, productive, and, okay … maybe … sometimes … a little feared.

  Hear Her

  I wanted to hear other young women’s experiences with being called bossy, so I texted a bunch of them and asked. Here’s what they said:

  I have always been called bossy. It dulls my light a bit each time.

  I wonder if I’m taking up too much space when I take charge, or if someone else is better qualified to lead.

  I tend to be quieter in conversations, so I’ve never been called bossy. But I have heard things like, “Oh, you’re a smart girl.”

  It hurts my feelings when I’m called bossy so I just try to shut those memories out.

  As a young girl, being called things like that didn’t really bother me, so I shook it off. But I think they’ve subconsciously stuck with me and made me more hesitant to take charge.

  I feel like “You’re so bossy” could be a rite of passage to womanhood at this point.

  Tomato/Tomahto

  Have you ever heard a man or boy called “bossy”? Probably not. When males are forceful, they’re praised for their take-charge attitude. This is because they’re raised to be leaders. Meanwhile, females are taught that men should be in charge and that we should take the passenger seat. Words such as bossy are used for females when someone feels threatened by our confidence, intellect, or leadership and wants to put us in our place.

  The Economist observed this double standard by looking at phrases commonly used to describe men and women. They found that certain words are used almost exclusively to put down women, while nearly the exact same traits are used to praise men. Here are some examples:

  MEN

  WOMEN

  Assertive

  »

  Pushy

  Persistent

  »

  Nagging

  Frustrated

  »

  Upset

  Has a lot to say

  »

  Chatty

  So what can we do about this double standard?

  Let’s start by treating words such as bossy as a compliment. Bossy can be powerful. Instead of shying away from it, let’s be bossier than ever. From working on group projects in second grade to speaking on the House floor in Washington, DC, let’s be as expressive and bold as boys are taught to be—more, even.

  Of course, part of being
bossy is being respectful and kind. While we’re being assertive, we can honor other people’s voices at the same time.

  Here are some ways you can flex your bossiness:

  Raise your hand in class more often.

  Speak up when you disagree with somebody’s opinion.

  Place yourself in charge of a project or group.

  When someone talks over you, finish your thought instead of automatically yielding.

  This last one might feel super awkward. But it can also be a winning strategy. Kieran Snyder, a tech entrepreneur, found that during meetings, men interrupted the person speaking twice as often as women did. But she noticed something surprising: there were three women who interrupted as often as men did; each woman was a top-tier executive at the company. So, in order to advance our careers, it may help to learn how to interrupt and talk over people—an art men have so wonderfully mastered!

  Be the Boss

  Across the globe, women and girls are expressing their strong personalities more than ever. They’re becoming entrepreneurs and CEOs, and surprising the world with their bossiness. Mikaila Ulmer is one of them. At age four, Mikaila started a company called Me & the Bees Lemonade. Now she’s in high school and her company is booming. Between school and sports Mikaila still finds time to present at trade shows, speak to thousands of people, and take meetings with investors—flexing her bossy muscle all the while. Oh, and she once introduced President Barack Obama at a national summit!

  Mikaila told me that adults have underestimated her since she was a little girl. “I’m an African American, I’m fourteen years old, I’m a female,” she said. Many people automatically assume she’s too young to have a successful business. One investor asked Mikaila if she squeezes the lemons herself. She calmly replied, “No, I have an actual lemonade company; it’s in eighteen hundred stores.”